conversation: chest-stains

“What’s the plan?
To starve yourself to death?”

‘I’ve wondered about that. Is that possible?
Or is it just an expression? Is it actually possible?’

“Have you eaten?”

‘I know you eventually…
But… as a way of contributing to the culmination?’

“Stop it.”

‘Why? Why should I stop?’

“Because we care about you.”

‘We?’

“Me.
We’re all worried about you.”

‘A perfect union, now?’

“Cut it out.”

‘I’m just asking.’

“Don’t be like this.”

‘Then how should I be? Tell me. You seem to have a remedy for this.
You know what I think? I think that you also feel the burden of bearing all of this. And out of love, or even obligation, you’re determined to not voice those fears. Because it’ll make you feel like you’re failing me. But see, sometimes we needn’t solve anything that has inundated our capacities as humans. All we can do, is be radically honest and accepting of that reality, that truth. I feel that most of us would rather not allow ourselves that understanding. For me, I draw a lot of strength from that.’

“I didn’t say that.”

‘I’m sorry.’

“It’s frightening. Because it’s all true and real. You are real. And your lived experiences are real too. Sometimes, I am helpless because I know there are fates worse, that only you get to confront. It makes me feel that I am failing you, humanly possible, that my love may not reach you when you need it the most.”

[Silence]

— conversations

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